I’d still enjoy a night out with my friends; grandma and grandpa would surely watch the little guy. I’d love sitting around the bonfire until the late night hours because that is what summer is about. I’d go back to enjoying a blue moon or glass of merlot on the weekends. Mike and I would still go out to eat; he is just one little baby after all. I’d still see all of my friends and make time for them, just bringing my sidekick Liam along. I wasn’t going to change….yet… something changed.
A few months after Liam was born I started to see friends who I normally spoke to regularly and hung out with regularly disappear. On the flip side, I saw friends who I hadn’t kept in great touch with suddenly reemerge into my life. It was no coincidence that those who faded away had very different responsibilities and priorities and those who emerged recently had children and understood where my life was now at. I was hurt by the people who looked at me like I had changed and no longer included in me in their lives – I am still fun, talkative, opinionated, friendly Ashley! It wasn’t me that changed….or was it?
With more and more months passing, I do understand that this major life event has changed me. Once I quit placing the blame on those around me not “accepting” that I now have a kid, I started to realize that it is me who is very actively choosing to be a new version of myself. While a bonfire and some blue moons would be great every now and then, it is not something I want every weekend, and it is certainly not the only thing summer can be about. I still very much want to go out on the weekends and see my friends, but I can’t help but think it would just be better for Liam if I was there to keep up with our routine. And those few times I do indulge, well, I have to go into that knowing I will be even more sleep deprived with a longer recovery the next day. Going out to eat is not relaxing anymore, and the food isn’t all that amazing – certainly not worth the money that could be used to save for college. I’d love to go to the gym for 2 hours each night after work but that is the precious time I have with my little guy before he goes to bed.
I have changed. Being the life of the party, making sure I never miss out, and making sure I am always at every event is now nowhere near as important to me as raising a happy, healthy, respectful, religious little boy. I am constantly feeling guilt between who I was, and who I am now. I can’t have it all (as hard as that is to admit) because somewhere, something has to give. And right now, I am making the choice to put my family first. I know that because my life and who I am has changed, it has had an impact on some friendships. I still very much value those friendships that have seemed to have drifted and I am hopeful as time evolves that there will be reason to rekindle those relationships. I am extremely grateful for those relationships which have strengthened through the commonality of having children. As the saying goes, “People walk in and out of your life, but true friends leave footprints in your heart.”
I still plan to have an annual girl’s weekend and I will make date night a priority. I will do what I can to make those closest to me feel valued and loved. I will be an example for Liam - and sometimes that means showing him that the “old” me still needs to see the light of day!
I have changed. I feel that God has put me right where I need to be, He has given me the relationships I need to prosper, and a village to help raise my little boy. Time will tell on how the future plays out, but a wise man (or woman) once said, “The only thing that is constant in life is change….you just have to embrace it!”
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